Burgers & Me

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Before I get to the review of last night’s restaurant (the new Prospector), a note about me & cheeseburgers: the cheeseburger is the most wondrous of all foodstuffs. Available just about anywhere, no matter the venue or type of cuisine. When in doubt, I usually order a cheeseburger. And when trying out a new (or new to me) restaurant, I’m likely to try a cheeseburger first – if they can’t do a decent burger, well…it doesn’t bode well.

But here’s my quirk: I like my burgers PLAIN. Meat + cheese on a bun. No lettuce. No tomato. No pickle. No onion. No mustard. No mayo. Just P-L-A-I-N. Sounds pretty simple, right? But over the years, I’ve learned that I can’t just simply tell the server “Plain cheeseburger,” because 9 times out of 10, it will be served up with other stuff on it.

So I always make sure to tell the server that I want my cheeseburger PLAIN, and then practically spell it out: “I’d like a cheeseburger — plain. Just meat and cheese on a bun.” Once in a while, I’ll add the word “bacon” to the order, too. As I did last night.

My exact words to the server were: “Yeah, I’ll take a bacon cheeseburger – plain. Just meat, cheese, and bacon on a bun. No lettuce, no tomato, no onion, nothing else.”

Her reply: “So…you don’t want mayonnaise?”

Sigh. “No, no mayo. And no mustard. Nothing. Just meat, cheese, and bacon on a bun.”

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6 Comments

  1. Abigail with the gravy pipe on

    I can appreciate the simplicity of your burger palate, however let me add one comment in the waitress’ defense.

    To use your exact words, you told her that you wanted no vegetables (or ‘salad’, as they call it in Joisey) on your burger. The ‘nothing else’ meant no condiments (to you) but to her, they probably meant nothing else in the vegetable family, no peppers or pickles or whatever else might exist in that realm.

    Since you didn’t say anything about mayo or mustard, putting them under your mental ‘nothing else’ umbrella, she only wanted to clarify that you indeed wanted NOTHING else. She was just being a good waitress. I can see someone saying, “I said I wanted no salad, but c’mon! I need some lubrication to make this puppy go down.”

    Besides, a burger without mayonnaise is the work of the devil.

  2. By the way – “judy sherman” is my mom, so she knows all about my food quirks! And I still love peanut butter — straight, no jelly!

    Abigail, don’t even try to defend the waitress! Plain means PLAIN! 🙂

  3. The best burger ….Cattleman’s Cut!!!! when my husband and I are on the way home from the cabin we stop in all the time. We sit on the bar side order the BIG burger I think it is a 1 1/2 lbs split it and get an extra salad bar. The best thing is our bill is never more than $15.00. mmmmmm now I want one

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